Midnight is the darkest hour of the night. It’s also the scariest and most debilitating. My pupils are dilated the most at that time because I can’t seem to find any light for assurance of the path forward. At midnight, I’m anxious and desperate for what feels like a nightmare to be over. Have you ever felt like you can’t wake up out of your bad dream? That’s me at midnight.
I cry often at midnight. It’s mostly out of frustration with my own self because as much as I try (and believe me, I do try), I can’t shake the stagnant pain inside. It feels like a heavy weight that rests within my core and refuses to lift up. At midnight, the weight of my world gets even heavier, so much so that it feels unbearable. That’s when the walls start closing in.
The emotional pain that finds me at midnight is worse than any physical pain I could ever endure.
No one else knows about my encounters at midnight. I can only describe bits and pieces, but I don’t think anyone really gets it. Maybe it’s because they cannot fathom such a place. Maybe it’s because they, too, are dealing with their own darkness and don’t have room for engaging in mine.
But after midnight comes and goes – after daybreak hits and my chains from the dark are loosed – I continuously realize that I do love midnight. I even admire it. It calls me to be most attentive to my God – my Lord and Savior. After all, midnight is where He often finds me, emptied of strength, pride, and bravery. It’s the time where He pours what’s lost back into my soul. He saves me from my own demise.
In my solitude of midnight, He is the one I often find as well. His arms are open wider then, covering me until the morning light shines through. We get through midnight together.
Because I cannot see in the dark, my other senses are heightened. My spiritual senses are awakened.
- I can Hear God’s voice
- I can FEEL God’s presence
- I can Taste God’s sweet grace and mercy
I boldly confess that I am both at my weakest and full of untapped strength at midnight. I’m also utterly frighted but feel the safest at midnight. For both truths, it is because I know God’s caring for me and carrying through my darkness.
Even though I don’t know for certain when I will see the light of daybreak through the dark skies, I know that it will come in due time – in His perfect timing. That divine certainty allows me to tell myself, You can get through this, Elana. Yes, even YOU.
This is my story of recovering from depression and sadness. I share it not for sympathy, but for freedom. I also share it because there are so many of you who have your own dark skies but feel bound to keep it a secret. You’re loyal to its confidentiality. I’m here to tell you: Me, too. Me, too, friend.
But if we are going to overcome, which is 1000% possible, we MUST be willing to confess our truths. Someone is waiting for you to share so they can say, “Me, too.” It will be your redemptive release as well as theirs.
Start here. Start today. I’d love to hear your story.