“I’m single-minded in pursuit of you; don’t let me miss the road signs you’ve posted.”
Psalm 119:10 MSG
Being single and secretly hoping for a spouse is incredibly burdensome. During the holidays, all I want to do is wait for the time to pass so that I can get back to “normal” life – the normalcy of being able to hide my innermost desires of a husband and children.
Now, I could simplify this to the idea of just wanting to be married, which would almost make it excusable in today’s society, but I actually was married. I was married long enough to know that feeling alone in a marriage was just as painful as feeling lonely and single.
I mourned over the lack of intimacy and connection the way the middle-aged misses their youthful days. Almost five years after the divorce, I’m back on the hamster wheel of longing what I don’t have.
It’s “Woe is me” at its finest.
At some point, I realized I have GOT to get off this darn hamster wheel. I mean, it’s one thing to desire and reach for something, like flavored ambition. But it’s another thing to search for the same thing over and over and not recognize the pattern.
That’s what I realized about my desires. It’s not a husband I’m necessarily searching for (although a well-educated, handsome, makes-me-laugh type of man would be lovely). It’s also not really about the intimacy of a marriage that I mourned. (Don’t get me wrong: On the surface level it was, but digging deeper proved that it was definitely something more.)
What I was and what I am longing for is fullness. Fulfillment. Completeness.
There is only ONE who can provide that, and it’s taking me all these years to understand this truth that has withstood the test of time. It’s always been true of this life we live; equally, it has always been true of me. I just couldn’t see it underneath the guise of other things.
So, here’s when I officially hopped off that wheel: I woke up one morning and raised my arms high in the air to stretch after getting out of bed. Out of nowhere, I felt a feeling of satisfaction inside. It was a satisfaction of being single!
I quickly dropped my arms back down and shook my head. No, I DON’T want to feel this way, I thought. It totally goes against my prayers to be married! What am I saying?!
For days, I refused to embrace the message that God was trying to instill within me. But one day, I decided to stop fearing it. That’s when I felt God speak:
“Enjoy this time in your life because it’s your opportunity to find fulfillment only in Me.”
It has been three months since I’ve gotten rid of the hamster wheel, and I’m more at peace within myself than ever before. This peace comes from the quality time I spend growing as a child of God while being single-mindedly in pursuit of Him. That, you all, has been more fulfilling than anything I’ve ever longed for.
I believe that everyone should do a self-audit. What is it that you’re longing for? What’s the pattern there? What I’ve found to be true is that most times it leads back to something only God can fulfill.
Maybe you’re looking for recognition at your job. While pursuing Him, you’ll discover that God is the only One who can give you an identity.
Maybe you’re looking for a purpose through the many business ventures you take on. Focusing your energy on knowing God will lead you to discover that your purpose is within Him first, and everything else flows through that.
Maybe you’re holding onto your money to ensure you have security, but you’ll soon realize that security first comes through our Father. Our strength has limits, but His does not.
Guys, it’s hard to get off the wheel. It’s takes strength and balance. But, I gotta tell you, whatever your situation is, this is one of the BEST things you can do for yourself. Being single-mindedly focused on God will bring you all the desires of your heart. I believe that, and now, I’m living that.